I remember when I was a freshman, and I was more lost then Nemo on this huge campus. I was always thirsty but never knew any water fountains that could quench my manly thirst. One day I ran into this old guy dressed as a monk when going to my third period class. He had a long white mustache that went down to his neck and a goat-tee that went even further to his chest.

He asked me if I was struggling with quenching my thirst in an accent that sounded just like Mr. Miyagi from Karate Kid; which may I add, is a pretty good movie, and if you haven’t seen it you should go check it out.

I replied with a “yes,” confused as to who this creepy monk was. He handed me a scroll with Chinese lettering all over it.

“In this scroll you will find all the answers you seek of the water fountains.”

I unraveled it, and I could feel the magic hit me in the face right away. All of sudden I felt like the strongest man in the world. I looked back up at him and till this day I won’t forget what he said to me.

“A person whose heart is not content is like a snake which tries to swallow an elephant.”

I have no idea what that had to do with water fountains, but it stuck with me through the years.

Then all of a sudden he threw a smoke bomb on the ground and poof he was gone.  I studied the scroll and became a master of the water fountains. Now, I am here to share the information with everyone that was given to me at the beginning of my quest for thirst-quenching paradise.

Rule #1 Never go to any of the water fountains in the mall sector. They are warm, and you can literally taste iron bits in the water, who really wants that? Also, when two people are using them at the same time they start shooting at crazy levels and nobody want their face getting drenched in water.

Rule#2 Avoid lines. No water fountain is worth the wait.

Rule #3 Decide what your priorities are. Now if you are a cold water fanatic and don’t care about anything else, go to the athletic hall for a nice swig. But if you’re a germ freak, go to a less traveled area because normally when athletes get a drink from a water fountain they have been working hard. Beware of sweat.

Rule#4 Some journeys are just too great to complete. Never travel too far for a drink because you will end up losing more energy than gained from the fountain itself. It’s just not worth it.

Rule #5 A sly rabbit will have three openings to its den.  Always have multiple options when it comes to choosing your water fountain because you never know what obstacles you might face such as a stampede of freshmen on their way to lunch.

Rule #6 A wise man makes his own decisions; an ignorant man follows public opinion. Never trust anyone on what they say about the water fountains. Everyone has their own opinion so listen to your own.

Rule #7 Dig a well before you are thirsty. Always have a water fountain planned to go to because when an emergency happens, you always want to be prepared.

Rule #8  Sometimes the safe route is the way to go. Pick the C-building when not sure what to do. It has cold water and is in between buildings so the travel time will never be too bad.